My mom and I got back from our horse riding vacation last Friday. It sucked a bit.

I was the same place we went to last year. All was well in terms of accommodation, food and riding. Sadly Mistiek/Mistique, the horse I rode on last year, wasn't there any more. She'd been sold off to a girl who wanted to go ride western with her. Instead I rode on Choco dip (or Dippy as I called her). She's very sweet, reliable and comfortable. She was great!

My problem lay with the people. We were with 8 people (including my mom and me) last year and 7 of us came back along with 4 new people. My problems lay mostly with M.

M thinks she's very social. Well she's very extrovert anyway. I'm introvert and get easily annoyed by extrovert people. M and I clashed like fire and water. I was annoyed with her last year, but pissed at her this year. Whenever she said "Let's try to be social to one another" to the entire group it felt like an indirect stab at me. When I get annoyed I start to give people snappy remarks. They're relatively innocent, more meant like "if you'd just listened to me the first time I wouldn't have to say it a second time." I so hate it when I need to repeat something I've clearly said only 2 seconds ago. Anyway, whenever I gave a snappy remark, even if it wasn't directed towards M, she would immediately reply with "ff dimmen jij." That's just the worst thing anyone could say to me at such a time. Many times did I swallow that remark, until the last night.

During the last night we played a game called 'who am I.' It was fun and enjoyable, until I bent over to put something on the table in front of me. M, who was sitting next to me, leaned behind my back over to the person who was sitting next to me at the other side. As I sat back again I bumped against her. I don't recall exactly what happened next, but I think I made an innocent little remark about how she could've told me she was behind me. Anyway, whatever I said, she casually replied with "ff dimmen jij." This time, I did not swallow it. I became angry and told her how it was the worst thing she could say to me at such a time and how I've been annoyed with her for the entire week. She replied that it was all my own fault. I shot back that it wasn't and that she should just shut up for a moment so I could cool off. She didn't shut up and I repeatedly told her to shut up for a moment while my voice and temper rose each time. I screeched and wanted to hit her. I walked out the door after that.

It felt really good at the time because I'd stood up for myself, but shortly afterwards I broke into tears because I was so powerless to make her shut up and because I'd lost my composure. Really, I've only screeched in my life two times before that. When I screech, I've really lost control of myself. If only she'd listened to me. If she'd just shut up for a moment we could've talked about it like two adult persons. Why didn't she see that she was the cause of my snappy remarks and my unhappiness. She's a primary school teacher. Other have similar professions: teaching children with mental difficulties, treating psychiatric patients etc. I feel that they should've read the signs that were there for anyone to see! Why didn't they listen, why didn't they see? Nobody saw the signs and walked up to me to ask what was wrong, nobody stood up to me. It was primary school all over again.

All I wanted of her was to listen, but she didn't. Was it too much to ask of her? I wrote a poem about it and I've sent it to the others in an effort to explain what happened. I've posted it here as well. Whenever I think back about last week, I think about my explosion. I don't think about the few times I did laugh, I don't think about sweet little Choco dip. No, I think about that last night and every time tears start to form in my eyes.

Just needed to put this down.
Love you all!